Choices

It has been a long time since I was here and I am sorry for that. Life just gets in the way.

I have been going up and down with ill health and depression then all the other trash that has been happening in my life. I am often surprized I am still here, still battling onward.

Spiritually, it has been an interesting journey. I think I am accepting more and more that I am following a certain pathway and making progress with it,

I am still facing the change of direction, employmentwise and this is causing me much heartache as it is a job I love so much and one I was born to do. I can not see my life without this work as part of my life. I am trying to face it but very unsuccessfully so far. I am talking with a psychologist but I find myself resenting the intrusion into my life. The questions about things I don't feel are relevant to the problem. And why do they think dragging up the past is going to somehow miraculously solve the problems. The problem is that ill health and pain are making my job increasingly difficult but I still need to work, still need to make a living. I just can't give it up and walk away from it. And I don't want to leave a job I adore to do a job I will hate and to do that job until I retire. What joy is there in that? It would only make my life worse.

I just wish I could find a doctor who can fix my body instead of passing me from one specialist to another. I have seen so many 'experts' yet nothing has improved and I am just made to feel that I should just accept it. Why? It isn't as if it is something there is no cure for.

Maybe those questions will remain unanswered, the problem unresolved.